Free to a good home… Sweet, loving, well behave….. Oh hell, I cannot even type that with a straight face…

Let’s try this again.

For the love of all that is holy, someone please save me from this tiny furbearing demon! His given human name is “Scout”. But I believe that his feline name translates into “HellPuss- Destroyer of Christmas trees, Bane of chihuahuas, Defiler of furniture, and Toe chewer.”

I am not sure exactly how old he is, but I think that he was spewed forth from the 7th plane of Hades approximately 4 to 5 months ago to assist in paving the way for the coming of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

He will eat any catfood offered but I think he survives on cheap whiskey, buffalo wings, black coffee and the souls of the innocent.

He gets along wonderfully with my son’s dog. Only because he has pummeled the poor animal into submission repeatedly over the past few months. (I think he watches MMA when I am not home in order to hone his fighting skills.)

He likes sleeping wherever he damn well pleases. Especially on the dining room table, at dinner time, as you are trying to eat….

He seems to take great pleasure in loud noises. Typically those emitted from a human yelling in pain or suffering. Thus he will hide in the most inconspicuous locations and attack with no provocation whatsoever. He is a master of the art of the silent kill. You will never see or hear him coming…

I have attempted sage cleansing the house but to no avail. (He peed on the sage) I have sought the assistance of an exorcist, but that ended badly. (Again I offer my condolences to the surviving family of Father O’Mally.)

So I implore you all, if you have ever considered me a friend or family. Please help me find a home for him… Soon… Because as I type this, I hear him scratching at the bedroom door…

I think he knows…